Just by looking at the title of this post, I’m pretty sure you will know how this post is likely to go about and the tone in which it will take.
To cut a long story short: I am miserable. It has come to the point where I find myself feeling more upset and detached from myself than I do actually feeling genuinely happy or content in life. And that shouldn’t be the case, surely? I’m twenty-two and should be loving life right now. I’m young and still have the rest of my life in front of me, yet I feel horrible and lost on a regular basis.
I’ve been considering why I’ve been feeling the way I have for a long time now and I’ve come to the conclusion that the following three obstacles have been major contributing factors to my long-term unhappiness and discontent:
The first thing I think about when I wake up during the week is not a positive attitude and outlook on the day ahead, but instead a feeling of dread. I am not happy in my job in the slightest and even fear going to work some days. I work in administration, which in itself is not the most glamorous or exciting of jobs, and it is not what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. I have two mixed emotions about my job; one is fear, as mentioned above, and the other is just plain boredom.
I’ll start with boredom, as it’s the lesser of two evils. I find my job so mundane and repetitive that I am often find myself bored with no room for any enthusiasm of any kind. I do the same tasks on a day-to-day basis and I am sick and tired of doing the same thing over and over again. That is reason one why I am not content with my job.
The second reason, and the reason that is most vital to my fear and – dare I say it? – hatred of going to work is the fact that I am solely to blame for anything that goes wrong admin-wise. This wouldn’t be quite so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that I make far too many mistakes, which I am not proud of, and never hear the end of it from anyone whether it be my co-workers, clients, employees. If I am to be completely honest, I am utterly crap at my job and I am surprised that I have not been sacked yet. I have been with the company for 7 months now and I’m still making mistakes. It’s not like I purposely go out of my way to mess things up, but I never hear the end of it and I’m sick and tired of it all; both the mistakes and the grilling. I am stressed out and not dealing well with being under constant scrutiny and pressure. I just need a break from it all!
I get the bus into the city everyday and am disappointed when it pulls up into the bus station as it means I will be at work soon. I count down the hours until I can go home and count down the days until its finally the weekend and I get a break from it all. But, weekends are short and fly by far too quick. I get major Sunday evening blues, which brings back all of my fear and dread for the coming week and thus starting the cycle again of counting down.
I need a job where I am not constantly doing the same thing and will let me be creative with my work. Not only that, but I need a job where I am not responsible for people’s wages! That’s the biggest thing I hate about my job. Friday is Pay Day and my least favourite day of the week. It should be my favourite, as that means its nearly the weekend, but no I dread it because Pay Day is a shortened version of Pay Query Day which I then have to try and resolve.
I am stuck in a job that I do not like, but cannot leave because I cannot afford not to work and cannot find another job because I do not have the desired experience other recruiters seek in their job adverts. I am stuck in misery. And I can’t find an escape.
When I went to university, I unfortunately lost contact with the vast majority of friends I had when I was at school / sixth form. Now that I’ve finished university and moved back home history has repeated itself and I have yet again lost contact with people. It doesn’t help that those I was close to are scattered across the country but its been made worse the fact that I do not have a network of friends or support system now that I am back home.
My social life – what social life!? – is non-existent. I very rarely meet up with people because I don’t really have anyone to meet up with, with the exception of a select handful. I don’t even have a close enough relationship with the people I work with to be able to socialise with them outside of office hours. I could easily count how many people I speak to on a regular basis outside of work on one hand, and the majority of those would be family members.
Even just to look at the first page of my latest text list defines how little social life I have. Out of the top eight names listed, two are my parents, one is voicemail notification, one is from my network provider, three are from people at work and the last is my boyfriend. Even if I was to go down a further eight names down the list they would include my brother, my grandmother, my driving instructor, a mobile marketing spam number, Argos Card verification, a joint text to my parents, another message from my network provider, and a message from my bank. How exciting is my life!? With the exception of my boyfriend, none of the top sixteen texts conversations of my phone have been from friends.
It’s not like I don’t want to be sociable, but more the fact that I’m not very good at keeping in touch with people. I never know how to break to ice, as it were, and feel awkward just messaging someone from out of the blue without having spoken to them for months. I feel as though I have lost my chance with some people and that any chance of a reconciliation or a reunion has vanished, thus leaving me feel more and more alone and isolated.
Part of the problem with keeping in touch with people is the fact that its not as easy to be able to meet up due to distance (and often the cost of visiting) but I also have this issue within my relationship. I am in a long distance relationship where I am not easily able to visit and spend time with my boyfriend as I would like. I am currently re-taking my driving lessons, but until I pass and I am able to get a car my only method of transport to visit is by train. But trains cost money and, even with a railcard, they aren’t cheap! Thankfully, the distance I have to travel is only an hour and a half away from the city including changes so I can be picked up at the station by 6:45pm on a Friday evening after work.
But I only get to see over the weekend, and I don’t even get to see him every weekend. It averages out that one of us will come to the other every other weekend and spend time together. I spend the whole weekend, returning home on the Sunday afternoon, whereas he is more likely to come up on Saturday, spend the night and leave Sunday morning. Its not the most ideal situation, but one thing I can honestly say I am happy about is my relationship. I feel completely comfortable around him and love spending time with him. I just wish it was more often, that’s all.
There are days when I am feeling at my utmost lowest and all I want is a cuddle but I can’t have that, unless it’s at the weekend. I envy those that are able to see their significant others during the week and it angers me when people complain when they’re other half wants one day to themselves. I wish I had less days with just myself for company. If we lived closer, I would definitely be wanting to spend more time together instead of having to wait two weeks to see him. We speak every day, but its not the same (especially as he is terrible when it comes to responding the texts quickly)
Even though I am in a relationship, and have been for over a year now, I don’t feel like I’m in one sometimes which is an absolute dreadful thing to say. Long distance is not easy by any means but its worth it when you finally get to spend much longed for time together.
I can put blame against anything if it meant finding a reason behind feeling how I do. However, there is no one thing contributing to how lost I feel within myself and how little energy or enthusiasm I have with anything I do. I do not feel confident, I do not think positively and I do not see a silver lining anywhere. I am trapped in a feeling of constant unhappiness, loneliness and self loathing and I do not know how to get out of it. I need to break free of this constant feeling of dread and inject some happiness and excitement into my life. How? I haven’t thought that far yet. Suggestions are more than welcome, though.