Tonight was the first time in my life that I’ve physically screamed at another human beings. And I hated it. I meant very word I said, but I hated myself afterwards. Not for what I’d said, but just at the sheer shock of how easily I exploded tonight. It terrified me.
Today is not a good day for me but I tried to put on a brave face. Was started out as an okay night, a night where I actually left the seclusion of my own bedroom and sat in the lounge with the rest of my housemates, ended in a full on row with one of them. It began as a minor disagreement, then a bicker, then an argument and then World War III within a second.
I’m not saying that it is entirely my housemates’ fault but I will say that the way she wouldn’t drop the subject didn’t help at all. I tried to say to her ‘please stop’ and ‘don’t’ but she wouldn’t listen. I made the choice to leave the room to remove myself from the situation – what I’ve always been told to do in situations like this – and just as I was leaving the room she said another comment and it just set me off. I lost it and there was no way of controlling my anger. I full on screamed in her face and it’s the most terrified I’ve ever seen someone look at me. I hated it. I hated me. I still do.
I came up to my room after having another one of my housemates screaming at us to stop. I knew I’d done it again and made the whole house dynamic awkward. I hate being the reason that there’s tension in this house but I don’t know how to get better to make it stop. I came upstairs and I shut myself away in my room and breathed deep breathes over and over. I texted my housemates apologising… only one of them replied, and it was the one I’d screamed at. They were the only one to come up and see if I was okay, apologising on their part too. The other two haven’t said anything. I know they hate me right now. I hate me too.
I just can’t deal with life at the moment. I haven’t wanted to be here for the last year and a half. I’ve lost all confidence in myself, I don’t feel comfortable in my own home and all I want to do is call up in a ball and cry all day, everyday.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m the fault with this house – with this group of friends – and with my life in general.
I want to be better but I don’t know what to do. I need help but I’m too afraid to ask for it. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to have to talk about how I feel because I don’t know how I feel, other than lost, scared, judged and hopeless. All I want to do right now is go home and get away and never come back. I’m loosing to will to live and I’m terrified I’ll end up doing something stupid one day.
I just want to feel normal again! Is that too much to ask!?