Today is a bad day. A very bad day. I can feel it. I can’t think straight, I’m feeling agitated and frustrated all of the time. I’m worrying far too much about silly things that I shouldn’t even be worrying about.
I cried today because a friend I haven’t spoken to in a while invited me over Facebook out for her birthday meal. There weren’t that many people invited and I just burst into tears because I was. It made me feel special for once and I cried because I very rarely feel like that anymore.
There’s no spark in my life anymore, just a bleak and dim light. There’s hope somewhere, but it seems to be hidden by fog. I don’t want to talk to people right now because I know that they’ll ask me what’s wrong and I won’t have an answer for them other than ‘I’m having one of those days‘ and they’ll then not speak to me for most of the night because they won’t know what to say. I won’t want to speak to them either because I know that if they do continue to speak that they’ll just string off rubbish about ‘it’s not the end of the world’ or ‘you need to try and push through this’ or ‘why are you feeling like this, you haven’t no reason to feel like this?’.
But that’s the issue. Feeling like this isn’t a choice – why would anyone choose to feel like this? – this just happens without any warning. I creeps up on you unexpectedly and submerges itself into your mind. You can’t control it, it just happens. You can only control your mind to a certain extent.
Depression and anxiety are illnesses in their own right and are not a lifestyle choice; you don’t choose to be ill. Medication only goes so far, only helps to ease the burden of being ill, and talking can go either way. For some people, talking helps but for me it doesn’t. Whenever I’ve spoken about it in the past all responses have come back across to me as insincere and non-understanding – they don’t understand what I’m going through and therefore any advise that they give will not be 100% beneficial for me specifically. Even those who have suffered before can only tell you so much, because no two cases of depression or anxiety are the same; like the common cold.
I’ve been moaned at recently by my housemates for being ‘anti-social’ because I’ve chosen to keep myself in my bedroom every night for nearly two weeks instead of sitting downstairs with them. But the reason I’ve chosen to do that is because I wouldn’t be much company anyway. I’m not doing too good right now and I don’t want to be ignored, I’d rather keep myself out of the way so that, that option isn’t available. It’s a vicious circle.
I need to get out of this house more often. I need to mix with other people, other friends. I need to meet new people and not spend every day stuck within the same four walls and with the same people. I feel suffocated and I just need to breath. I need to focus my attention on something that isn’t Uni-based. I want to read more. And write. I need to be creative. I need to live.
I need to get better. I can’t stand to be miserable any longer.
I need help.