Too Soon

I saw my ex for the first time today since we’ve broken up. It was horrible. It couldn’t be helped either, really. I was walking one way and he was walking towards me in the other direction. I could see him in the distance and my heart instantly went into a frenzy.

If it hadn’t of been for the fact that I actually had to send a text to someone, I probably wouldn’t have kept my head down looking at my phone as I walked past – but then again, maybe I would have? – but that’s what happened never-the-less. But it wasn’t until I’d sent the text to my friend that I actually saw him close up. I looked up and he was literally walking right past me. But he wasn’t looking at me. He looked straight ahead.

I think that was the most horrible part. The fact that, as far as I’m aware, he hadn’t even acknowledged I was there. Yes, I’d been looking down at my phone but still! I don’t know if he thought I was avoiding him or that I didn’t want to be seen, or what but it still hurt that he never even looked at me as I looked up.

He text me wishing me a Happy Birthday the other day, which was bittersweet for me. I’d wondered whether or not he would (or even if he’d remembered) and the feeling when I received that text were mixed. I was happy that he’d text, but it was also a weird, gut-wrenching feeling. I can’t really explain it. I guess my heart just sunk. I think the fact that he text me was also a reason why I felt so upset when he didn’t even say hello to me today. And I did feel upset. How else wasΒ I supposed to feel?

I still find it weird when I think about the fact that we’re no longer together. I thought I’d accepted it, but it’s when things like that happen – both the text and seeing him again – that make me think that maybe I haven’t.

I think seeing him today happened too soon. But, when is it the right time to see your ex again? Regardless of whether it’s a coincidental meeting or arranged, it still hurts and there may be a little awkwardness, but that’s completely normal. It just sucks, that’s all. Hopefully, the next time we come face to face (whenever/if over that time comes) it won’t be the same as this time. I’d love to think that we could still talk to each other as friends, despite our past, and that any initial awkwardness can be forgotten. But we’ll see. That time hasn’t come yet.

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