No one ever said that life would be easier; and if someone has then they are lying through their teeth.
At the age of twenty, my life has barely even started. I’m still at University, I don’t have to worry about bills or anything too strenuous other than my studies and I have my parents there to fall back on if needs be. Yet why do I feel like the weight of the whole world is on my shoulders?
I’m not going to lie, I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life once I graduate and that thought it really, truly scary. I don’t know how I’m going to make a living, I don’t know how I’m going to eventually pay of my University and bank debts, I don’t even know how or where I’m going to be living this time next year. I could be on the other end of the country, I could still be in my hometown/surrounding area, or I could still be living with my parents. I just don’t know.
But that’s not the main thing that worrying me or keeping me awake at night. That issue would be something much more complex and, some would think, trivial.
I have a problem – not really a problem, as such, but more of an inner demon – where I lack trust in people and therefore don’t connect as well with some people as well as I do others. This means that I often appear quite harsh or negative to particular individuals who may then view me as the whiney, annoying girl who they have to talk to because they have to work with me. Nine times out of ten, this probably isn’t even the case but in my head I see it this way.
Why? I don’t know. I’ve always viewed my life, and the people in it, this way. I guess you could call it pessimism. I’d somewhat agree with that, but I think it goes much deeper than that.
Even when I was much younger in primary and secondary school, I’ve always had the impression that I’ve never really particularly been liked by people and that I’ve often been tolerated because they’ve had to work with me. It’s not really a healthy thing to consider, but it’s something I’ve often thought of in my life. But rumours and whispers never stay quiet for long. There have been so many times when I’ve heard things about me or overheard a conversation someone is having that is directed at me where you would see why I have this mentality on life.
One thing that has particularly been very evident in my life has been my opinions or point of view shot down and made to look inferior/unacceptable by others. Now, I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but when you have your own shot down on multiple occasions during the day by multiple people you can see how it might get frustrating. Every now and then is okay, but everyday is cutting it close just a little bit. I feel like my voice is not worth noticing and that anything that comes out of it isn’t relevant or viable for acknowledgement or acceptable.
I’ve recently voiced these concerns with someone very close to me and they’ve responded with the obvious suggestion of: Why don’t you confront these people and tell them that it’s upsetting you?
Well, that’s the thing. Whenever I do confront people about how their actions are upsetting me I just end up getting the exact same thing thrown back at me. All of my faults are listed and reasons given for why this happens to me and it all comes back down to the fact that whatever I do or say is not good enough and that it is my own fault for the predicament I am in.
Okay, fair enough. But how can I apologise for being myself? I can’t help the fact that I am the way I am. Nobody gets to choose their personality; they just have it. I have interests and opinions just as much as the next person so why should mine be disregarded and judged to the person beside me?
It’s just really frustrating and is causing to become quite a problem right now.
At the moment, I feel like I have next to no one to talk to or share my feelings with. Also, I feel trapped in my own house; it’s the worse thing to feel alone in a house you share with three other people. I just don’t feel like I belong anymore. I feel out of the loop of everything, always finding out things last, and not involved in everything that goes on in the house.
It makes me wonder whether my whole life is going to replicate my current state of affairs. And that scares me. I can barely cope now, what is it going to be like when I am out of education and working full time, possibly living alone away from my family and having the responsibility of paying bills, rent/a mortgage, a family of my own perhaps, and being able to support myself financially.
Where life will take me is unknown as of now, but if life is going to continue on in this downwards spiral I honestly don’t know how I’m going to cope without having a mental breakdown.