People who don’t know me won’t know who I am are what I look like. This is the beauty about posting online. It’s pretty much anonymous. Yes, I have a profile picture of myself on the main body of this blog and my username has my name in it, but that’s all you know really.
Photos can be very deceiving. You can see someone smiling and looking happy in a photograph but that’s just a moment in time which could easily be forced for that specific moment. I smile in photos because that is conventional. But the number of times I smile in a day can be limited.
I’ve gone through a fair bit in the last two and a half years at University. Compared to others’ my experiences may not seem as drastic but to me they’re still pretty damn big. Particularly at the beginning of second year, I’ve started to doubt myself as an actor, as a person, and as a valued person within my drama course. There have been days when I’ve thought the worst in myself and have felt that I’m neither appreciated nor wanted by others around me. Friends I had made in first year suddenly stopped communicating with me and I felt judged by anything I did or said. I found myself thinking that I was being pinpointed and criticized for every opinion or disagreement I had and that I was being shunned and disregarded as an equally important member of our year group.
I just felt… alone.
I still do. And that’s really sad. I’m in my third and final year of University and I should be enjoying it but instead I feel alone and unwanted. In my modules, I often get the impression that people only work with me because they have to, not because they want to. And that’s really upsetting. I feel as though not many people like me and that I’m just… there.
It’s little things that get me down. For example, there are so many people I know that always have a constant flow of text messages from people and their phones never seem to stop buzzing! Me? It’s very rare that I get texts from friends who actually want to talk to me and the majority of them I do get are either from EE, Dominos or my Mum. I always feel that when I started a conversation with anyone over text they’d much rather be doing something else. It’s just something in the way they’re talking: short, simple, vague. It’s never a reassuring feeling to know that people would rather you weren’t texting them…
There are some days where I wonder whether I should even continue with Uni or whether I should just leave and find something else to do. I even wonder whether being here is even good for my health or my sanity. The number of times I’ve found myself crying in the last few months probably doubles the amount of times I’ve actually smiled or laughed. The stress of third year probably isn’t helping either but the fact that I feel I have no one I can properly talk to or confide in makes it worse.
I have issues with trust so talking isn’t always the best option for me, but talking on here is different. I don’t know the person who is reading these posts (or if anyone is reading them at all) so I know that I can’t be judged because they don’t know me! Someone once said that you should always be careful with what you write on blogs, just in case it falls into the wrong hands. I don’t agree with this. Blogs, though open for anyone on the Internet to view, are like journals. You write about your thoughts, your feelings, your worries and your achievements in journals so why not write about them in blogs too? So what if someone uses what I say against me? What I write is personal to me and is my own opinion. I refuse to let anyone alter or change my opinion on something I believe in.
Which is probably why I feel so lonely… my opinion always seems to be different and people just can’t accept that.